Long week

It has been a long and emotional week. Didn't eat well, didn't exercise, didn't do anything I should have. I will post again later!

Self Esteem

I love my husband more than words can describe, but lately it seems like we are drifting apart. I don't know why, but I know Its killing my self esteem. Sexy time is like a fond memory, and I opened facebook today to be slapped in the face with pictures of his ex gf who is at least 80 times hotter and thinner than me. She also happens to be the first girl he ever slept with. Then to top it all off, the last week he has been over at the neighbors until like 2 am at least 3 times. I trust him, and I know he is faithful, but it KILLS me that I am second best to a game of cards and facebook pictures. All I can think is that if I were thinner he would want me again, or if I was more fit I could distract him with some crazy new move that would make me more interesting than a game of cards. I'm completely distraught. UGGGGGGGGGGG!

Work, Food, and my vice

So, I'm at work. I will be here until 2 am. I will be BACK here at 11 am. I am trying to stay within my allowed calories and such, but a day when I am up at 9 am and in back in bed by 9 or 10 pm can't be the same as a day when I'm up at 9 am then up until about 4 am...so I don't know how much I can eat...I also don't know what I can eat. I don't have a cooler lunch box and both the fridge and microwave are broken at work. My breaks are too short to drive home eat then get back in time. My lunch isn't until 10pm either, so the only places open are fast food. My typical lunch during a work day is a jack in the box egg roll, a 3 piece jalepeno popper, and 3 fried mozzarella sticks. Not exactly healthy. So this is what I'm doing tonight (hopefully I can figure something better out tomorrow) I will do my jack in the box run, but I will get a grilled chicken pita without cheese and easy sauce and a large water instead. Normally the pita is 360 cal. so its not to bad especially modified.

So. Before work I had a massive breakdown and spent about an hour bawling my eyes out. Normally when I get upset I either eat spaghetti or go to starbucks. I love Starbucks. In fact, I love it so much I have a modified version of the original Starbucks siren tattooed between my shoulder blades...Anyway, normally after I stopped crying enough to drive and not be a danger to others on the road, I go to starbucks and get an iced Vinte Caramel macciato with 5 shots of espresso with extra caramel syrup and extra caramel sauce. I don't even want to imagine how many calories are in it. Today, I got an iced tall non fat chai late. Only 160 cal and I still got my fix! I know Its not as good as not going but baby steps right!?!?

I'm off. Gotta make that $$! (Even if I currently despise every aspect of my current job...more on this later.)

I went!

I had a super lazy day until hubby got back from class, then we went to the gym. 15 min. on the elliptical then various strength training exercises, then a 15 min walk around the pond by our house...Lunch was a veggie wrap with balsamic dressing, and dinner was a tuna sandwich on 7 grain bread with yellow mustard red bell peppers, half a pickle and a bunch of lettuce. I'm done for the day. I think im going to let Hubby have the compy for a while. I am going to go have a bath and sip on some chocolate soy milk while I read a book : )

Lack of motivation

Technically today is an "off day" in terms of exercise, but I work crappy shifts this weekend (friday until 2am, back at work by 11am on saturday then 3-midnight on sunday) so I know It will be a miracle if I can force myself into the gym over the weekend...I NEED to go today. I absolutely 100% MUST go...so why can't I unwrap myself from my blanket and put my gym clothes on?

good day gone bad...gone good?

So I just realized that I made the goal I set this morning! I drank 9 glasses of water today (that's 72 oz people!) WAAAAAY better than the 2-3 glasses I usually drink. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was enough to turn my frown upside down! Does anyone else get this crazy emotional (as in worse than PMS) when they start a new eating plan (good or bad)? I think it may be part of the reason that I fall off the band wagon all the time. Not this time though. I refuse.

Good day gone bad

UGGGG!!! so I was having a great day, until I just realized that I cant find my debit card and have no gas, so I cant even go visit my brother before he leaves for college in freaking Canada!!! : ( I am soooooo upset right now! I seriously want to make a giant plate of spaghetti (giant as in 3 times a "normal" serving size) and pout. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Why is it that every time I am having a "good day" everything gets ruined! Like I havent had an actual "good" day in...well, lets just say I cant remember my last "good day" something ALWAYS comes up.



I wont eat my spaghetti though. Im going to have a buffalo turkey and bleu cheese wrap instead.

So far so good

Yesterday I was lazy, I ate properly, but I didn't work out at all. This morning I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and headed straight to the apartments work out center (after brushing my teeth of course). I did 6.5 miles on the stationary bike, and felt amazing after. When I got back I made breakfast for hubby and I. we had (split between my hubby and I) 3 scrambled eggs mixed with 1/2 of a bell pepper, 1/4 cup red onion, and 1 cup of mushrooms topped with a 1/4 cup reduced fat mozzarella cheese each, and one 8oz glass of SILK chocolate soy milk (my guilty pleasure). I found a cool (free) app for my BlackBerry called SparkPeople Tracker. It directed me to the SparkPeople website and so far Im very pleased!!! You should take a look!!! Today my goal is to drink a decent amount of water. Yesterday I drank MAYBE 3 glasses. Unacceptable. I may post later with lunch and dinner breakdowns!!!

ummmm CRAZY

So, I'm sitting here minding my own business, when all of a sudden there were two crazy loud booms that sounded like an explosion...They rattled all the buildings in my apartment complex...but nobody can figure out what it was. No fire, no smoke, no calls for help...We are baffled. Update: it was a sonic boom caused by two jets flying at top speed

Anywho, numbers...Tuesdays are going to be my weigh in day. So, here it goes!

Weight: 220.6
chest:45
waist:36.75
hips:45.5
thigh:27
arm:13.5

SO from the last time I checked numbers that puts me at :
weight:-1.2
chest:+0.5
waist:-1.75
hips:-0.75
thigh:-0.5
arm:-0.5

total loss = 1.2 lbs, and 3 in.

hmmmm...now lets see if i can do this again, but instead of taking 5 months, Im going to try for 5 days! : P

I think that I should make some goals. I didn't have any last time, and its obvious how well that worked for me. So, my weekly goal is to lose 1.5-2 lbs a week until I hit my goal weight of 150. That is still on the high range of "normal" for my height (5'7)but I love curves, and so does hubby...he thought I had the perfect body when we got married, and I was 165-170 then, but "normal" is my overall goal. If I work my tush off (literally) and make my weekly goal I can be down to my goal weight by next April!!! That doesn't seem so far away...now for a rewards system...

10 lbs by Sept.21= new pair of running shoes

Enter onederland by Nov. 2= new sexy time outfit AND book a hotel room for a romantic anniversary weekend at the end of the month! 3 years with the man of my dreams!!! After Nov 2nd = one or the other

every 10 lbs after onderland, not including 50 60 and 70 lbs= new book!!! <3

Not to GAIN any weight the weeks of thanksgiving or x-mas= new outfit! one for each holiday

50 lbs down by Feb. 8= Valentines day at the family cabin in the San Juans!!!

60 lbs by my 22nd birthday(March 14th) = tickets to Teatro ZinZanni!!!!!!! (perhaps in San Fransisco instead of Seattle If I can convince the hubby!)

Goal weight 150 (70.6 lbs lost)= SHOPPING SPREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure I will add more "personal achievement" goals as I progress, but I think this is a good start.

Starting over.....Again

So, It has been a minute. I fell off the wagon, again. last week I went to dinner at my aunts house, and I felt like I looked pretty good, I was confident and happy and what not...but then I saw the pictures on Thursday. I wanted to cry! I don't feel that big, so it shocks me when I see it...but anyway. I'm back. Hubby and I have discovered a trail that winds around a pond in the woods by my house, its probably only a 1/2 mile loop, but its pretty. We have been waking up, going for a walk (with random jogging intervals) then coming home and doing the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. My bum is terribly sore right now, and I LOVE it : P I WILL KEEP IT UP!! I WILL! I'm not counting calories per say, but I am watching what I eat...lots of veggies, and no
"junk food"...Tonight we are trying an egg plant recipe that Jennifer over at Ex Hot Girl posted the other day. I will post numbers tomorrow!

distracted by life

Wow, it has been a minute! I have been so busy with everything this last week! I havent been counting calories or doing my work out regime, but I havent been going to fast food resturants everyday either (I cant say the same for starbucks though). I am down to 213 and I can button my Gap long and lean size 14 jeans!! They are VERY tight and give me muffin top like mad, but I can do it! :) Dinner with the fam bam tonight, we are celebrating most of our b-days today (we have 4 in feb, 2 in mar and 1 in april) so we knock out the celebrating all at once, it helps for thoes of us that work in the evening. It doesnt look that great to request off 7 days in 3 months. Anyway, Im going to try to get into a steady routine with the posting, I have to go put my face on now!

Thank goodness for lack of will power!

So last post I told y'all that I was thinking about going to that party, but I decided that if I went there was no way I would be able to resist the food, my will power just isn't that strong. Instead I stayed home and caught up on some much needed sleep and snuggle time with the hubby...I am so so so so so glad I did because somehow our district manager (the guy that gets paid the big bucks and only comes to the store every 3-6 months for inventory) found out about it and now every single person that went is on probation and he guaranteed that people would be fired when he comes up here for inventory next month!!! There were at least 6 out of 13 sales associates there....craziness right!?

Anyway, I have been off track the last couple days, not horribly, I have been eating well and I think I have stayed within my calorie range, but I haven't actually been tracking the calories so I don't know for sure, and I haven't done my shred in 3 days!!! I'm so bad! I know I shouldn't make excuses, but I'm going to anyway. On Friday they added an extra 20 hours to everyone's schedules for this week because Valentines Day is our biggest holiday, so I have been completely drained. OK, now that I threw that out there I'm going to scold myself because the shred is only 20 damn minutes and there is really no way I can fool myself into thinking that I cant find the time or energy to do 20 minutes!!! I'm getting back on track today. :)

less "weight loss" more Maya.

Ok, so far I haven't really said much about myself. My posts have been mostly about my weight and such, so this post is going to be a bit more personal, and may contain adult content. If you are easily offended please proceed with caution (or don't proceed at all, my feelings won't be hurt) :P...

...

...

Ok, that's more than enough time to navigate away from this page after my warning, but before I start I just wanted to let you all know that I fucking love my blackberry (yes, I love it so much it needs my favorite word to describe the amount), it is enabling me to write this post while relaxing in a hot bath! HURRAY for technology!

Any way, I have always been that happy go lucky girl that gets along with everybody. In high school I had friends in every group from band geek and emo kids to jocks and stoners. I have always prided myself on the fact that I can and will always have a shoulder or ear to lend you.

Up until I joined the army in 2007 I thought that my friends were the ones that you will have with you for the rest of your life, but when I left for basic and they all went off to college we drifted apart. Far apart. I haven't seen or spoken to my "bff" sense March of last year before that it was when I went to basic. It sucked, but I made a ton of new army friends and we created a bond in the 6 months of training that we spent together that I thought was even stronger than what I had back home with the "friends" that I have had sense kindergarten. I was wrong. Again. When I got out of the army all of those friends disappeared because I didn't have the same number of deployments as them. So here I am, 20 years old and sadly I honestly only have one person that I truly call my friend. I'm not trying to sound like I'm begging for a "pity party" or anything, because he is my rock and my world and I would literally trade my soul to keep him in my life, but marriage is hard, and when your only friend is your spouse its near impossible to not hold things back, and that leads to bottled up emotions, in turn leading to more fights. Sometimes you just need a girls night to vent about dumb boys, it always feels so much better going home into his arms afterwards...I guess what that long drawn out bit was leading to is that I'm lonely, and when I'm bored and lonely I eat. The worst part is that I don't even know how to make friends. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have never needed to know how. Friends have always come to me. Ok, new less depressing topic...ready...


GO!

Drugs...are gross. Anything "hard" (I.e. heroin, meth, coke etc.) scares me. I'm terrified of the fact that they are so easily addicting and have never in my life tried any hard drugs, nor will I ever, but what really really bothers me is weed. I HATE the stuff. Just the smell of it makes me puke.(Literally, I'm not just being a drama queen) If you like smoking that's cool, I'm fine with what you choose to do in your free, personal time. I won't hold it against you until you smoke around me in a confined area or you come into my place of business smelling like you were just hot boxing, or whatever its called, in the parking lot. I takes a lot of my will power to not tell people to fuck off when they come near me stinking like crazy asking me to let them in a fitting room to try clothes on. I don't want your nasty smelly ass near my products, let alone in them! One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone stinks (smoke/drug/or poor hygiene) and then crowds my space.

That really had nothing to do with my blog or getting to know me, but it does have to do with me venting about work today. Lol, sorry.

Anyway on a happier note the hubby and I were invited to go to a party at a co workers house tonight, I'm excited, but my company has a very strict fraternization policy that states that we are not supposed to socialize with any of our co workers outside of work same sex or otherwise, (one of the reasons I don't currently have any girl friends)...but I'm feeling rebellious today, so I think I will go, and if I don't get in trouble...maybe there will be some girls nights in my near future! Yay! Wait, what's that you say ? There must be a downside to this seemingly awesome development in my social life? Well you are right. There are going to be margaritas galore as well as mexican food (my 2 biggest edible weaknesses tequila and spicy food) and 7 layer dips and corn chips (I could continue but my mouth is watering already). I want to go but my cheat day was yesterday and idk if I have the will power to be good if I go.I know myself and I know that putting myself in a place like that would be like putting a pill popper in the drug vault at a pharmacy...I'm really having decision issues right now. I will let you know what I decide later. Sorry the post was so long and random.

Night! Xoxo

***Maya

Not EXACTLY what i expected

Well, the "cheat meal" didn't exactly drop the 1-2 lbs that I was told it should, but I didn't gain any weight. In fact, I lost 0.2 lbs and am now exactly 216. I didn't drink all the water I was supposed to yesterday or work out at all (unless you count 6 hours on the sales floor on an abnormally busy day) either, so maybe (hopefully) some of it was water weight. Anyway, I'm off to work at 0634 on a freaking Saturday morning....I will post again later to tell you a little bit more about myself. :) Have a great Saturday!


xoxo,

Maya

CHEAT DAY!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited! I made it a whole week doing everything right! Today is my cheat meal and I can't wait! I think I'm going to get a big juicy steak, or maybe a burger...We are going to a restaurant I have never tried before, I hope its good, it would be really really disappointing if my cheat meal sucked. I will probably have a beer or two as well. Not sure yet. My nutritionist said that the morning after a cheat meal you are almost guaranteed to lose at least a pound, doesn't seem right, but it sounds good! lol I'm about to go find out now, I will let you know in the morning!!!!!


~Maya

wait...what?

So I woke up at 1140 am freaking out because its already the fourth and I have NO idea where the second and third went. Rent is due by noon on the fourth, so I woke hubby up in a panic telling him to hurry to the bank and get a money order. Why we don't have checks, I'm not sure. We made it with 5 min. to spare :).

Anyway, I weighed myself again after the rent panic was over. Everyone says you should always weigh yourself at the same time of day, and I plan on doing it in the mornings, and now I'm confused. I have no idea how I lost 4 lbs overnight but this morning I weighed in at 216.4 lbs. Weird right? I understand 0.5 lbs or so, but 4?! I'm not complaining though. I like 216 waaay better than 222!!!

I'm off to eat dinner now, whole grain pasta with tomato basil sauce!!! yum yum yum.

REALITY CHECK...

OK, so I got a scale and tape measure. I took my measurements, and yeah, the numbers suck. but I expected them to suck. What I didn't expect was the pictures. I started crying while the hubby was taking them. When I looked at them it was like a punch in the face. I knew I looked bad, I know I have a lot of weight to lose, but I didn't realize how very bad it was. When I'm at home in front of the mirror I always suck the tummy in a little and stand a little straighter, but for these pics I didn't because I want you to see what I really look like, and because I need to see what I really look like. This post it very emotionally draining. I'm going to go cry now. Please, be kind with any comments. I realize I'm a fat ass already, I don't need it to be rubbed in.

weight: 221.8 lbs

arm: 14 in

chest: 44.5 in.

waist: 38.5 in.

hips: 46.25 in.

thigh: 27.5 in.

Starting over.

OK, So first i would like to pre apologize for poor spelling and bad grammar, and now I will introduce myself. My name is Maya Henry, This blog is the first installment of what I hope to be a successful weight loss journey. I'm 20 years old 5'7" and i weigh approx. 230 lbs (i think) I wear size 18 jeans. 2 years ago weighed 165lbs and fit into size 8/10 jeans. I was discharged from the US Army last year on Feb. 18 due to being overweight. I have some back issues stemming from my time in the Army, and sense being discharged I have gained roughly 40 lbs. Last week, I woke up and went into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I have no idea how i got to where I'm at now, but when i saw myself I started crying. I was crying so hard that i couldn't stand anymore. I sat on the floor of the bathroom for about 30 min and completely broke down. I have never been disgusted with myself before and let me tell you, it is not something I want to feel ever again. I have always been "bigger" but never large enough to be called "fat" in fact, all the way through school, k-12, I think that I was called fat once. Even now, when I have my clothes on people don't think I weigh above 190 max. However, when I take my clothes off its another story, I have stretch marks everywhere two of my tattoos are getting ruined, my tummy bounces more than my tatas when I walk and mine are the definition of "Thunder Thighs" That morning last week was a turning point for me. I cant be the fatty cake anymore. Its taking a toll on my entire life! I cant even make love to my hubby without wanting the lights off, I feel like I cant possibly be sexy the way I am now! (he says he thinks I'm sexy no matter what, but I'm scared that I'm close to reaching the point where he changes his mind) So anyway, I'm starting this blog because I'm the type of person that needs to be held accountable or I will let myself slip. My hubby is helping me, but he also spoils me, so I know if I REALLY want those jalapeno poppers, he will get them for me. I'm hoping that by starting this blog you will all help me stay on track. I'm on day 5 of my weight loss journey today. I'm eating healthy staying under 1300 cal. a day, and I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred (awesome workout btw). I don't have a scale, or a measuring tape. I am guessing my weight based on what it was last time I went to a gym (2 months ago). I'm the type of person that feels like a failure and gives up if I don't see results FAST so, when I started, I felt that if I eliminate numbers, it would be easier for me to stay on track, but so far I'm not having any trouble with cravings and plan on getting both a scale and tape, so hopefully tomorrow (or later today if your lucky) I will have some "real" numbers to post!!!! maybe even a pic or 2.